nealuchi | water not yet spilled

Title: water not yet spilled
Fandom: Fate/Grand Order
Character(s): Taigong Wang, Ritsuka
Pairing(s): Ritsuka/Taigong Wang
Genre: Angst
Word Count: 1,090
Rating: G
Warnings: None
Summary: Ritsuka has feelings for Jiang Ziya, but she already knows she's not his type.
Jiang Ziya doesn't know why Ritsuka is avoiding him.
Notes:

If it were just a matter of beauty, then Ritsuka would be able to push past that and confess.

She's already accepted that she'll never be as beautiful as her Servants. She was plain to begin with, and years' worth of scars haven't helped that any. Even if she can't compete in looks with Cleopatra or Yang Guifei, plenty of people who aren't as stunning as they are still find love every day.

If it were someone other than Jiang Ziya, then maybe Ritsuka would be able to confess. If she hadn't fallen for his smile and his kind heart and the way he'll put everything he has into living up to people's trust in him - if it had been someone else, then maybe it would have worked out.

But it is him, and no one else, and so there's no point in even trying.

Because Ritsuka knows exactly what type of woman Jiang Ziya likes. A dangerous, wicked beast covered in blood. Not merely a beautiful woman who happened to be evil, but a woman who was beautiful precisely because of her cruelty. In other words, someone nothing like Ritsuka at all.

What good would confessing do? She'd only make him feel guilty for turning her down. Better to swallow her own tongue than to cause pain to someone she cares for, when she's already responsible for so much suffering in the world.

Ritsuka is avoiding him, and he doesn't know why.

Of course, a tactician of Jiang Ziya's level should be able to discover the truth on his own. All it takes is a little time and thought, surely.

The simplest explanation was that he said something rude or offensive, but he can't recall anything recent that might have upset her. Not to mention, she still spends time with Servants like Jeanne Alter and Baobhan Sidth, who don't seem to know how to be anything but rude and offensive. So it's not that.

When he does spot her in the halls or such, she avoids looking at him, casting her gaze to the floor as she hurries past. That could be guilt, if she had anything to feel guilty about toward him. But he can't think of anything. She's already raised his skills, that's more than most newly arrived Servants get. He is nothing but grateful to her for her care. And she was incredible in Tunguska, much more so than he was.

Maybe one of the other Servants said something unpleasant about him? But he can't imagine her taking Koyanskaya's words too strongly to heart, and of the Servants he's personally familiar with, Nezha is too straightforward to talk behind anyone's back.

What is it, what is it…

"Hey. When are you going to say something to Ritsuka already?" Nikitich asks.

"Ah, of course I intend to! Just as soon as I settle on the right words." It's no use apologizing when you don't know what you're apologizing for.

"Dragging it out makes it worse for her." She scowls. "If it's no, then the least you can do is let her down gently. And if it's yes, then what are you making her worry so much for?"

"…Yes or no…?"

"Are you stupid?" Eyes flashing, she grabs him by his collar and starts to drag him off. "We're settling this right now."

Jiang Ziya doesn't struggle. Couldn't, with his mind running circles like this. She hauls him directly in front of Ritsuka's door, and bangs on it with her free hand until Ritsuka opens up.

"Nikitich, what-"

"Taikoubou is an idiot who doesn't recognize lovesickness when he sees it." She lets go of him, still glaring. "You need to talk about it or you'll both be stuck like this."

…Lovesickness?

For him? Ritsuka, in love with him?

He wants to ask if she's joking, but one look at Ritsuka's face - guilty and terribly, terribly fragile - tells him everything he needs to know.

"Ritsuka…"

"You can. Come in. I guess. I don't want to talk about it in the hall." She casts her gaze to the floor again. Mechanically, Jiang Ziya steps inside, closing the door on the glowering Nikitich.

"…I wasn't going to say anything." Ritsuka settles onto her bed, gripping the sheets for any slight sense of stability. "Because I already know I'm not your type of girl."

His heart hurts for her as he sits at her side. "Ritsuka."

"Woman, I guess. You like dangerous women, not girls like me. Which is fine! I mean, I'm glad I'm not anything like Daji, really? I wouldn't be very good at it." Her grip on the sheets tightens enough to tear. "So I figured I should just get over this silly crush without bothering you with it."

"Ritsuka."

"I'll do better about not making it so obvious, I promise. You can just forget you heard anything-"

Jiang Ziya pulls her tight to his chest. "I'm sorry, Ritsuka."

She tenses, before burying her face into his shoulder. "…You didn't do anything wrong."

Didn't he? It's because he's such a fool that Ritsuka has been suffering in silence. If he didn't have that blind spot around himself, maybe he would have realized sooner.

(To be left behind is painful enough. But to have it made clear that a woman he loved - still loved - would only care for his fame and success is a wound far greater even than that.)

No, Ritsuka is nothing like Daji, nor his wife. They were both made of hard edges, proud and fierce. Ritsuka is soft in a world that seeks to punish her for that softness, tender despite her scars.

He never wants to see her hurt like this again. That much he already knew.

"You are perfect exactly as you are. You don't need to compare yourself to any beast, or Servant, or anyone else." Gently, he strokes her hair. "I'm the one who's unworthy of your feelings, really. Are you sure you don't want…?"

Someone more honest, someone more serious. Someone stronger, someone kinder. Someone who could make the woman he loves happy.

"It's you. It has to be you." Ritsuka looks up at him finally, red-eyed. "You shouldn't compare yourself to other people either, you know."

"Right, sorry, sorry." Setting a bad example. "In that case, I will humbly accept your feelings, if you'll accept mine."

"Of course I will." She manages a tiny smile, wavering but true. "I guess we're both kind of bad at this."

"That we are." He kisses her forehead. "But we'll work on it together."