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a mess of good intentions
Title: a mess of good intentions
Fandom: End Roll
Character(s): Russell, Kantera, Yumi, Dogma, Cody, Mireille, Tabasa, Gardenia, Informant
Pairing(s): None
Genre: Hurt/Comfort
Word Count: 810
Rating: PG-13
Warnings: Spoilers, suicidal thoughts
Summary: “I will not make their judgments for them. Do I have time to speak to them about this?”
Notes: Based on a really nice ask I got. Thanks, anonymous asker!
The kitchen has knives, because of course it does, and because of course it did back then. Russell sits on the floor with his eyes closed and waits for Kantera to stab him or slit his throat.
Neither happens.
“I’ve been thinking, Russell.” Kantera’s voice gets him to open his eyes and look up at him. “While I understand your asking me to repay my favor from you… should I really have asked you that in the first place?”
Mutely, Russell stares at him in confusion.
“You thought it was manipulative, did you not? And more than that - you thought it would not help me find peace. You killed me because I asked, but in truth you never wanted to harm someone you’d been close to.” Kantera gives a small smile that seems weaker than usual. “I don’t want to harm you, Russell. Even if you ask.”
“But… I killed everyone. Not just you,” Russell says. “I killed everyone in this town.”
Kantera nods.
Russell’s voice raises. “I - I pushed Gardenia off the stairs, I set Dogma and Cody’s church on fire-”
“I know,” Kantera says. “I will not make their judgments for them. Do I have time to speak to them about this?”
Russell looks around. “The dream is already breaking,” he says. “If you tell them, that might break it more.”
“I’m willing to risk it,” Kantera says, and as he leaves he pats Russell on the head.
Time passes. Russell can tell when Kantera speaks to each person by the sudden additional strain on the dream - colors warp, noises come from nowhere, pain shoots up his spine - but the dream itself doesn’t shatter by the time Kantera returns with the others in tow.
“They would like to speak with you,” Kantera says, and lets Yumi approach first.
“Hey, kid.” She takes a seat next to Russell. “Way I remember things, none of that was your fault. It was all your old man’s doin’, and you’re nothin’ like him. I’d have to be a real jerk to blame you for what happened, or want you to die for it.”
“Suicide is never the answer,” Dogma says, also taking a seat. “What you did to my sister and I - or, the real versions of us, I suppose - was undeniably wrong, but that doesn’t mean the solution is your death. Neither of us would have wanted that.”
“It’s true,” Cody says. She joins her brother on the floor. “Even if we hated you for it… and I’m not really sure what I feel right now, to be honest? But I know I wouldn’t want you dead.”
“Please… d-don’t blame yourself,” Mireille says, taking a seat near Russell. “You did awful things, but other people did terrible, terrible things to you. It… it doesn’t make that okay, but I think if you were in a better situation, you wouldn’t have done anything like that.”
“You can still fix things, you know.” Tabasa sits down and sets a hand on Russell’s shoulder. “Maybe not for the real versions of us, but you can get out of that home you’re in, find a real family that actually loves you like a family’s supposed to.”
“You deserve to live!” Gardenia says, plopping down. “Even people who’ve done bad things can change and do good things, and I believe in you! You’ve been really kind to all of us here, right?”
“Right,” Kantera says, and joins the others on the floor.
The only person still standing in the room is the Informant.
“I didn’t know you still thought this, deep down,” he says. “Guess I don’t know you as well as I thought I did. But… the dream’s still going to break, any minute now. What you do after that is up to you.”
“...Thanks,” Russell says, quietly.
The Informant gives him a raised eyebrow. “I’m just part of you, remember? No reason to thank yourself.”
“No - it’s because you’re me that I have to thank you, most of everyone,” says Russell.
“...You’re a weird kid,” the Informant says, smiling. “But I guess you’re not that bad.”
He takes a seat on the floor, and it’s with all of them crowded into Kantera’s old medicine shop that the dream finally shatters for good.
Russell wakes up, listens to the recorded message, and stares at the syringe.
Almost every part of him wants to die right now, wants to pay for his sins the only way he knows how, wants to be rid of this crushing pain - but it’s only ‘almost’. Part of him wants to believe in those figments of his dream he called his friends, and that part of him is enough for him to not act on those feelings, at least not right now.
When he’s done with the officials and all the paperwork, he thinks he has a few calls to make.
Fandom: End Roll
Character(s): Russell, Kantera, Yumi, Dogma, Cody, Mireille, Tabasa, Gardenia, Informant
Pairing(s): None
Genre: Hurt/Comfort
Word Count: 810
Rating: PG-13
Warnings: Spoilers, suicidal thoughts
Summary: “I will not make their judgments for them. Do I have time to speak to them about this?”
Notes: Based on a really nice ask I got. Thanks, anonymous asker!
The kitchen has knives, because of course it does, and because of course it did back then. Russell sits on the floor with his eyes closed and waits for Kantera to stab him or slit his throat.
Neither happens.
“I’ve been thinking, Russell.” Kantera’s voice gets him to open his eyes and look up at him. “While I understand your asking me to repay my favor from you… should I really have asked you that in the first place?”
Mutely, Russell stares at him in confusion.
“You thought it was manipulative, did you not? And more than that - you thought it would not help me find peace. You killed me because I asked, but in truth you never wanted to harm someone you’d been close to.” Kantera gives a small smile that seems weaker than usual. “I don’t want to harm you, Russell. Even if you ask.”
“But… I killed everyone. Not just you,” Russell says. “I killed everyone in this town.”
Kantera nods.
Russell’s voice raises. “I - I pushed Gardenia off the stairs, I set Dogma and Cody’s church on fire-”
“I know,” Kantera says. “I will not make their judgments for them. Do I have time to speak to them about this?”
Russell looks around. “The dream is already breaking,” he says. “If you tell them, that might break it more.”
“I’m willing to risk it,” Kantera says, and as he leaves he pats Russell on the head.
Time passes. Russell can tell when Kantera speaks to each person by the sudden additional strain on the dream - colors warp, noises come from nowhere, pain shoots up his spine - but the dream itself doesn’t shatter by the time Kantera returns with the others in tow.
“They would like to speak with you,” Kantera says, and lets Yumi approach first.
“Hey, kid.” She takes a seat next to Russell. “Way I remember things, none of that was your fault. It was all your old man’s doin’, and you’re nothin’ like him. I’d have to be a real jerk to blame you for what happened, or want you to die for it.”
“Suicide is never the answer,” Dogma says, also taking a seat. “What you did to my sister and I - or, the real versions of us, I suppose - was undeniably wrong, but that doesn’t mean the solution is your death. Neither of us would have wanted that.”
“It’s true,” Cody says. She joins her brother on the floor. “Even if we hated you for it… and I’m not really sure what I feel right now, to be honest? But I know I wouldn’t want you dead.”
“Please… d-don’t blame yourself,” Mireille says, taking a seat near Russell. “You did awful things, but other people did terrible, terrible things to you. It… it doesn’t make that okay, but I think if you were in a better situation, you wouldn’t have done anything like that.”
“You can still fix things, you know.” Tabasa sits down and sets a hand on Russell’s shoulder. “Maybe not for the real versions of us, but you can get out of that home you’re in, find a real family that actually loves you like a family’s supposed to.”
“You deserve to live!” Gardenia says, plopping down. “Even people who’ve done bad things can change and do good things, and I believe in you! You’ve been really kind to all of us here, right?”
“Right,” Kantera says, and joins the others on the floor.
The only person still standing in the room is the Informant.
“I didn’t know you still thought this, deep down,” he says. “Guess I don’t know you as well as I thought I did. But… the dream’s still going to break, any minute now. What you do after that is up to you.”
“...Thanks,” Russell says, quietly.
The Informant gives him a raised eyebrow. “I’m just part of you, remember? No reason to thank yourself.”
“No - it’s because you’re me that I have to thank you, most of everyone,” says Russell.
“...You’re a weird kid,” the Informant says, smiling. “But I guess you’re not that bad.”
He takes a seat on the floor, and it’s with all of them crowded into Kantera’s old medicine shop that the dream finally shatters for good.
Russell wakes up, listens to the recorded message, and stares at the syringe.
Almost every part of him wants to die right now, wants to pay for his sins the only way he knows how, wants to be rid of this crushing pain - but it’s only ‘almost’. Part of him wants to believe in those figments of his dream he called his friends, and that part of him is enough for him to not act on those feelings, at least not right now.
When he’s done with the officials and all the paperwork, he thinks he has a few calls to make.