nealuchi | dress for the job you want

Title: dress for the job you want
Fandom: Bungou Stray Dogs
Character(s): Dazai, Fukuzawa
Pairing(s): Dazai/Fukuzawa
Genre: Humor
Word Count: 1,010
Rating: PG-13
Warnings: Referenced drug use
Summary: Dazai and Fukuzawa investigate a bar while pretending to be a couple.
Notes:

Ni-chome. The center of Tokyo’s gay subculture. The world’s most concentrated area of gay bars and nightclubs, three hundred in the space of five blocks.

Possibly also the home of a drug trafficking ring.

At least, the location is involved in the case the Agency is currently tasked with. Ranpo has even narrowed the criminals’ headquarters down to a particular gay bar, but that’s as far as they can get without personal investigation.

The first problem: poking around there without seeming out of place. The bar has legitimate customers who have no idea what happens in back rooms, but like most establishments in the area, it caters to a specific scene: in this case, ‘daddies’ and younger men looking to be in that kind of a relationship.

Fukuzawa is the only one in the Agency who looks the part, but information gathering through playing the role of a social butterfly is not his strong suit. So Dazai volunteers to go with. As long as he’s ‘already attached’, he’ll probably have to fend off less unwanted advances.

The second problem: dressing the part. The dress code is ‘semiformal, but danceable’. Dazai opts for something understated in white and brown.

“You’ll get more attention than I will just because of where we are, but a little extra to distract from me won’t hurt,” he says, leaning against Fukuzawa’s wall.

Fukuzawa nods, stony-faced, before disappearing into his room to check his wardrobe. While he waits for Fukuzawa to get ready, Dazai occupies himself by counting the number of cat-themed items Fukuzawa keeps around his house.

“Sixteen, seventeen - are you done alrea…dy…?”

A vision in black and gold stands before him. Western-style clothes flatter Fukuzawa, and even if his concept of ‘danceable outfit’ includes a suit jacket and a pocket square that matches his cufflinks, Dazai can’t complain. The dress shirt is slightly unbuttoned to show his throat. Dazai is vaguely aware that he is staring.

After a few moments of awkward silence, Fukuzawa turns toward his bedroom again. “I’ll change.”

“No!” Without thinking, Dazai catches hold of the hem of Fukuzawa’s jacket. “This is perfect. You look perfect. I have to kiss you.”

That gets Fukuzawa to turn back. “What?”

“What I meant is that we’re pretending to be a couple, so it might be suspicious if we aren’t at least a little affectionate.” That is not even remotely what Dazai meant, but it’s a plausible excuse with how smoothly he delivers it. “You don’t mind if it’s for the sake of the mission, right, president?”

“…I mind more if it’s for a mission.”

So… it follows that Fukuzawa would mind less if Dazai kissed him outside of a mission. He doesn’t mind if Dazai kisses him?

Don’t get ahead of yourself, Dazai thinks before his train of thought can run over whoever’s tied to the tracks. Fukuzawa is just the kind of person who thinks you should only do that with people you love. Of course he wouldn’t want to kiss Dazai just as a cover story.

“As you wish,” he says. “Ready for our date?”

Fukuzawa almost smiles. “Your taste in first dates is questionable.”

This is probably true, although ‘investigating a drug trafficking ring’ is a new one for him.

As expected, Fukuzawa gets much more attention than Dazai does. He handles it well, politely declining the many, many come-ons he gets while Dazai chats up the regulars about the details of the place and the employees.

Not much to say about either. They have a handful of bartenders who work irregular schedules, and the owner almost never shows up. There aren’t many side rooms, just the kitchen, the pantry, and two bathrooms. That seems a little strange given that the bar allows men only, but the general assumption is that the building came like that. The woman’s room is kept locked anyway.

(He gets lightly scolded a few times for asking about an empty bathroom when there are perfectly good love hotels nearby.

“Does your daddy know what you’re up to?” an older man asks.

Dazai grins. “Of course he does. Being punished is the fun part.”)

Picking a bathroom lock wouldn’t be difficult, but making sure everyone’s attention is firmly away from him is. In a bar this calm, someone’s bound to be looking just about anywhere, and there’s nothing more suspicious than someone entering a room everyone knows is always locked.

“I need a distraction,” Dazai murmurs in Fukuzawa’s ear. He lets the lockpick hidden in his sleeve slip out just enough that Fukuzawa can see it.

Fukuzawa nods, and after Dazai moves away, he motions to the bartender. “Give me the strongest drink you have,” he says, as serious-faced as always. “I am going to get ‘crunk’.”

The bartender, trying very hard not to laugh, pours him a tall glass of something-or-other. He slams the whole thing back. “Another one.” That gets attention.

While the bar is preoccupied with a 45-year-old man having drink after drink - Dazai can hear two of the younger men making bets on how many he can have, while one of the older ones asks if he really can handle that at his age - Dazai picks the lock on the women’s bathroom without fuss. He opens it just enough to get a good look at all the drugs, drug manufacturing equipment, et cetera in there, snaps a few photos on his phone, then slips back out again.

“You know I told you not to drink so much,” he says, returning to flop all over Fukuzawa. “Won’t you do it for me? Please?”

Fukuzawa seems to consider it, before lowering his glass. “Just for you. …We should be going.” He leaves their payment in cash on the bar - just because they’re going to bring the police down on this place within a day doesn’t mean they’re going to drink and run! - and leads Dazai out by the hand.

Only when they’re a safe distance away does Dazai ask, “How do I get you to dress like this all the time?”

“You can’t.”